When it's already too late.

My worst trait is probably the fact that I always realise things too late. People could've been telling me this one thing for years, and then I realise that what they were saying was actually true. This one thing now in specific, people have for x years told me to stop, that it's not worth my time and effort. That the little joy but tons of tears simply isn't worth it. And I just feel stupid now for only just seeing the actual damage, I feel like such a fool - like I've been played.
And the thing is, I only got myself to blame. I could start counting names on people who should've acted differently, for people who should've reached out to others who could've saved the situation and done things right. But after all, even I had the power to do so. So I shouldn't have tried to rely on others to fix it for me. Because that' life, really. You got to stick up for yourself, you can't expect others to do so for you, at least not in my shoes.
Though now after, I'm finally realising that it wasn't worth it. I know I'm being a bit cryptic about the actual subject but, it's for the best. I just which I would've done a couple of things differently a few years back, because then I wouldn't be here where I am today. 
Like when I think about what I could've done. I'm still not sure what it would've been. What I should've said, and what I wish I didn't have. Maybe it's the small things that would've done the biggest difference, that when that things had escalated to be something too big for a young teenager to handle, that I would've talked to professionals rather than being destructive towards myself - when I wasn't always the one to blame. 
I've thought alot lately, might be because me is really the only company I have. I got 'friends', but we barely ever hang out so we're not really friends I suppose. But in my thoughts, I keep going in circles. That what if this whole delusion I have about if this one thing, wouldn't have been a thing, that I would be better off today. My head is really messy and blurry from all the thinking, so nothing of this is probably making any sense haha! So I'm sorry for that, next post will be far less odd and cryptic. 
- until next time, stay safe. Lots of love, Anna ♡

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